So firstly, I was inspired to write this blog after numerous chats with a few of the girls at work about the kind of stuff us Brits like to get up to whilst drink (we work in a bar, the subject of alcohol unsurprisingly comes up a lot!) But, it lead to me thinking, most British people have similar stories of the kind of shit they get up to on a typical night out whilst shit faced. Honestly, why are we like this? I mean, we literally have a reputation across the world of being unable to control our drinks and literally pissing all over our reputation, (especially whilst abroad on a lads/girls’ holiday.) In other words, when it comes to drinking, us Brits are simultaneously the ‘best’ and the worst at it, and no one seems to be able to explain why we do any of these things. So, I thought I would compile a list of the best of Brits.
STARTING YOUR NIGHT IN ‘SPOONS’.
You know, that it’s practically a given that once the pre and the pre pre drinks have finished, your night is guaranteed to start off in Spoons, where you will fork out a pound, brag that you know the bouncer’s sister’s friend’s brother twice removed and there for should definitely not have to pay the entrance fee. You will then make a beeline for the drinks queue, share a few cocktail pitchers with your bezzies and hit the dance floor to pull a few shapes, in pre-club prep.
NEVER WEARING A COAT OUT EVEN ON THE COLDEST OF WINTER EVENINGS.
It doesn’t matter if it’s Baltic conditions, you will refuse to wear a coat because you don’t want to ruin your perfectly planned outfit, for a coat, which doesn’t even match. Also, hello no will you be paying £1 to put the darn thing in the cloak room, and then have to queue up for hours at the end of the night to get it back. Besides, you’re British, we don’t feel the cold, especially not after the warm glow from the alcohol.
MAKING FRIENDS FOR LIFE WITH THE TAXI DRIVER
He lets you choose the tunes, and play them out full blast, what a legend. If you’re lucky enough to get yourself a decent cabbie driver, you’ll be guaranteed to be bezzies by the end of the trip, he’ll know your life story, your favourite football team and what you think of Theresa May.
DRINKING ALCOPOPS THROUGH STRAWS
Every party loving Brit is guaranteed to have done a ‘strawpedo’ at least once in their life, and if you haven’t, who even are you?
STRATEGICALLY DRINKING SO HARD YOU’LL ONLY HAVE TO SPEND A TENNER IN THE CLUB
Being sure that you start your night off early, drinking hard at the pre-pre drinks and the pre-drinks so that you can have the cheapest night out ever and even manage to snag a huge box of chicken nuggets and chips without barely even breaking into the notes. Achievement.
PISSING IN THE STREET AND NOT EVEN FEELING GUILTY LIKE IT IS YOUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT
My housemate Ant was the absolute worse for this. Breaking the seal and barely making it down the road without having to constantly squat between cars for a quick release. Apparently this is acceptable when you’re pissed out of your face.
DOWNING DRINKS YOU’VE JUST BOUGHT SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO CARRY THEM
Well why would you want to have to hold your drink all night when you can just down it in one and get back to the dance floor?
PRE-DRINKING WITH SQUASH.
And then quickly shovelling it into a plastic bottle to drink on the way to the club. As if the bus driver/bouncer doesn’t know that that’s not water mixed with that juice.
Free drinks, who cares who the previous owner was.
GOING BAREFOOT AND HOLDING YOUR HEELS ON THE WAY TO THE CHIPPY
My feet hurt. Screw the heels, I need my chippy fix. Who cares if the floor is covered in glass and God knows what else.
MAKING FRIENDS FOR LIFE WITH THE GUY WHO’S SERVING YOU FOOD
There is this weird competition which always happens at the end of the night during food time, between your friends and you over who can win over the guy who’s behind the counter taking your orders and handing out the food. You’ll smile, bat your eye lids, pout etc, in the hope that he will remember you the next time you stumble into the shop AND get extra cheese.
DRINKING LIKE IT’S A SPORT, A VERY VERY COMPETITIVE ONE
In British culture the person who drinks the most and makes the biggest tit out of themselves wins. Bonus points if it’s captured on social media, pull a munter, you puke, lose your friends, phone, and dignity within one night.
CHOOSING ALCOPOPS BASED ON COLOUR NOT FLAVOUR.
The brighter the colour, the better. Especially when you get captured on camera with a weird coloured tongue, holding the bottle with pride.
DOWNING A PINT AFTER SOMEONE DROPS A PENNY IN IT TO “SAVE THE QUEEN”
Downing your drink so the queen doesn’t drown in a puddle of vodka or Carling. Just try not to think about the fact that the penny could have been anywhere and is now infesting your drink with germs or the fact that you could swallow her majesty in a wild bid not to drown her.
DRINKING GAMES WHERE YOU’RE CONCERNED THAT YOUR NEW GROUP OF PALS MAY JUST DISCOVER HOW MUCH OF A SLUT YOU ARE.
Never have I ever has a fun way of revealing all your secrets, bonus points when your bestie decides to set you up and make it horribly obvious that the question was aimed at you.
THROWING UP, BUT CARRYING ON LIKE A TROOPER.
Some people are very good at tactical puking and fair play to them that they don’t let a little bit of puke ruin their night.
ASKING FOR NO ICE IN YOUR DRINK SO YOU CAN HAVE MAXIMUM ALCOHOL
Because why would you want to waste precious space that could be used for alcohol on ice?
ASKING FOR NO ICE IN YOUR DRINK SO YOU CAN DOWN IT
It only gets in the way.
GOING ON A BAR CRAWL DRESSED AS GOLFERS
Does anyone out there know why we do this? Also thanks for University and pub golf, I now own a weird grandpa style jumper from Primark, which has never made it out of the house since.
GOING TO THE TOILETS IN A GROUP, NEVER ALONE
I mean it wouldn’t be a night out without mirror selfies.
RUINING A DRINK FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Thanks to one too many bad memories associated with JD and coke, you have now subsequently ruined that drink for yourself for the rest of your life as you can no longer stand the stuff.
REFUSING TO LEAVE WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON
I mean, just because the lights are now on, why should I go home?
CHANTING LIKE YOU’RE AT A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHY.
Of course, once the music is over, before getting food, the only sensible option left is to chant inaudibly at the top of your lungs like you’re in a football stadium, even if you have no idea who Kolo/Yaya Toure is.
STEALING TRAFFIC CONES ON YOUR WAY HOME.
For some reason in Britain it’s normal to end the night becoming the new owner of a traffic cone, wheely bin, stop sign, sand bag, shopping trolley, traffic sign etc, even if you wake up the next day with no recollection of how that traffic sign ended up in your bed room.
MAKING PALS IN THE KEBAB SHOP.
Bonding over garlic mayonnaise and cheesy chips.
BRITAIN: WE’RE A WEIRD BUNCH AREN’T WE!