February as a month was an emotional rollercoaster ride on a personal level for me.
It was a time, as exhibited many times throughout my blogs, of acceptance of an ending, of having to say goodbye to the places, the people, the lifestyle I had gotten used to, over the course of the year being out in Australia.
Of course, I am no stranger to change, of accepting the end of something amazing, or at least things and a routine that I had gotten used to: The end of my University experience, Sixth form, even school etc.
End, goodbye, change etc: Those words seemed to have haunted me these passing months, getting seemingly harder and harder as the inevitable date loomed ever closer.
Those words got thrown around a lot, or thought about, occasionally never leaving my mind. You end up thinking, during a moment, is this the last time this is going to happen? Is this the last time I’m going to see them? You grow tired. Tired of the goodbyes, tired of being haunted of the ending of something wonderful.
Of course, I’m lucky, as a wise guy named Winnie the Pooh once said: “How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” And it’s true, but sometimes it sucks to have to say goodbye to something or someone or a life that in the current moment is perfect.
When time is running out, it can be hard to enjoy what you have in the now, because you’re always thinking of the what ifs. I remember, last year, hanging out with my friends and although I was so excited for the adventure which lay ahead and I could not wait to get out there, I remember wishing that I had just that little bit more time with them before I flew across the world.
The fear of the future, of the unknown, and having to say goodbye creeps into the remaining minutes, marring them with melancholy. I’m still trying to figure out how to embrace the present without the past or future worming their way in, and this is just another way in which the different aspects of time intertwine.
As the date for my departure back to England – for the time being at least, drew closer, and closer, I found it increasingly difficult to live in the moment, making the most of what I currently had, knowing that I was forced to leave a place that had become home, and one which actually I could see becoming for good, in the future. When you’re just starting out, it seems as if it will last forever and yet, being on a timer, every day the end is approaching with increasing speed. It occurs to me as I write this how much this represents a larger thought about life, a poignant point at the moment. Time is such a precious entity, yet no amount of wishing stops its relentless march.
I suppose I simply must attempt to accept the fact that all good things come to an end, and embrace the future that lies before me. Looking back, Australia contains memories for me which had been built out of a year’s worth of experience, both good and bad, and I am blessed for all that I have been through and the ways that this has shaped my character. The next few years and what is yet to come are inconceivable to me, with such uncertainty about what lies ahead. The most that I can hope for is to enjoy each precious second of this current adventure before the next chapter begins.
So yes, as I write this, I have accepted now that, my chapter of my year out in Australia has now come to an end, and as much as I can enjoy looking back on the memories, I need to say goodbye to that chapter of my life, in order to fully focus on the next stage, the next chapter. Goodbyes are so very hard to say, moments are hard to let go of and when you have such a good thing in your life, it can be really hard to accept that it’s over.
Perhaps I should be thankful for such difficulty, for it shows what a wonderful life I have carved out for myself out in Australia. I can now watch friends across the world live the next stage of their adventures and yet we still take the time to catch up, filling each other in on the goings on. Geography can be a cruel divider of friends, but distance doesn’t mean never seeing each other, and it certainly doesn’t have to end the role that two people play in each other’s lives. It just means that we might have to make more of an effort, but it’s worth it.
So where does that leave me? Well one thing’s for sure: it’s time enjoy the past memories and to look forward to the next adventure in my life. Hopefully I will be back out there really soon, but in order to do that, I need to put the work in, so that’s my focus, for the time being at least.
Until next time,
Love, hugs and pugs.